January Diaries:
January 5th - 1:58 AM
I wish I could talk more; like the way I want to. I’m not sure why I can’t, I guess the words always get lodged in my throat, and never make their way up past my tongue. It’s as if a sentence crawls all the way up toward the end of the tunnel that is my mouth, sees the outside view, and crawls back down, out of pure terror.
January 13th - 10:39 PM
For the first time in 2 years, a girl is actively on my mind…what a tortuous feeling. I am trying my best not to really think too much about her; but it is quite difficult. The flashing memory of her beautiful face when it perks up and smiles, her eyes that are so easy to get lost in, the feeling of time stopping I experienced last Friday…
I will try not to think too much about this person, and not fantasize. Sometimes I get lost in my head and dream too much. The facts are this: For the first time in ages, I want to get to know someone more. That is all, I will keep my excitement pinned down even though it will keep bursting and I’ll have to keep jabbing more pins to keep it under wraps. I had a lot of fun Friday, and hope I get to see her more…there that is all, diary entry over.
January 15th - 9:49 PM
I have a love/hate relationship with the internet. On one hand, I’m grateful that the internet has introduced me to the people in the world that understand me the most, like Gavin & GK, but on the other hand, I hate the idea of anything I make being perceived. It is the same irrational fear I have of being in public and being in a social setting. I hate looking at comments; this is why I subscribed to the philosophy of neglecting all social media notifications for 9 months straight. I am going back to that.
January 19th - 1:45 PM
For far too long I have lived in the future and the past; my mind constantly shifting between the two periods, with it always obsessed with what has occurred in my past, and what is about to occur. For once, I’d like to live in the present, and try my best not to think too much.
January 23 - 11:15 PM
I have a final essay due at midnight, but I am neglecting it. I will turn something in, that is for certain. A lot is on my mind; I’ve sort of just been staring at Spotify and listening to my daily playlist “regularisperfect” on loop. It has over 600 songs and a photo of GK & O are the cover to the diary list of songs. I can’t believe the album we’ve all been working towards is about to come out at midnight. I always dreamt of it but never thought I’d ever be able to help out on an album before. It’s been a beautiful 7 months; I’m very grateful to be able to finally work with someone who is like-minded and actually believes in me. I can’t believe so much has changed; looking at old photos GK sends and all the old work that is now a year old, feels like eons ago.
Everything is changing rapidly and for once, I don’t want time to stop. 2022 and 2023 sucked pretty hard, but two important things happened those years: in 2022 GK & I made our first video together, and in 2023, for some reason O let me make a video for him when I didn’t have any work out other than various personal diary collage like videos. Everyday I’m thankful that I get to work with my friends…art, the only thing that matters in this world.
January 30th - 11:12 AM
Another panic attack. How cliche. All from walking into a classroom and sitting down around 30-35 people.
February Diaries:
February 2nd - 2:23 AM
So it begins…
The part where you fall flat on a sea of flowers
Your head always in the clouds
Daydreaming of her face
The feeling of looking into another’s eyes and for once
Feeling comfortable
And at ease
No longer anxious
For the moments that you’re with this person
Everything outside of her gaze doesn’t exist
All that is there is
Her and you
You and her
You like her
And she likes you, I hope
February 19th - 3:35 PM
Unfinished poem from Latin America Media Class:
Time flows
Calendar pages flip
I should move on with it
There is fun ahead
Light that is beaming down a tunnel
Smiles set to form
Memories to be made
New horizons to reach
Throughout it all though
One person will be steady on my mind:
Her stylish mink
Her leopard gloves
Her hair that runs like silk
When the wind hits it
Her voice that sounds like home
And comforts me
Her wide smile that is the equivalent
Of a tight, warm hug
From a grandmother
That acts as a furnace after coming in
From the freezing cold
Her adventurous nature
That is deeply embedded within her
And which I admire
And wish I had more of
Her ability to walk into a room
And immediately light it up
Like a victorian candle
Time flows like the Great Nile
Calendar pages flip like a sports game count
I should hop on the train entitled
Life
And stop looking back
u kno i'm really stumped on this thing called life but i like finding new music and filming and editing things maybe i'll make something of myself someday