regularisperfect because in the end, we’ll all end up 6 feet deep in the ground, so might as well be yourself while you’re here.

journal 001:

Dear Public Diary,

Recently, I found out that one of my best friends is now homeless. He was kicked out recently, by his step-dad. He also just lost his license, as he was caught going 115 miles per hour on a road that only allowed 40. And his Mom is in the middle of fighting stage 2 cancer. Three of my friends and I got together with him, and started to help him budget, because we’re trying to find him a new place to stay. For now, he’s staying over at Sean’s. In this moment I realized how fast life is coming at us all. Two of us in the last year have experienced our first real heartbreak, one of us may get popcorn lung from vaping too much and smoking too many cigarettes; one of us might get kicked out of college while on scholarship because of a failure to reach a GPA requirement, and one of us is a drug dealer who started drinking lean recently. He wasn’t in that room but I just think that’s fascinating to me. My friends and I are coming of age. Life is hitting us like a thunderstorm, and it’s all affecting us in different ways. It worries me how life can change in an instant. I’m pretty scared for the future, but at least I have a core group of friends back in my hometown.

journal 002:

circa December

Dear Public Diary,

As this semester comes to a close, I realize I’m about to turn 20 in three months. That number is horrifying--twenty. What is life coming to? I’m entering a new chapter in my life, a new decade, and I still feel like a toddler.

In times like this I miss the days I used to binge watch Skins in bed everyday when I was 14. I didn’t have to worry about anything. Now all I do is worry. I idolized all these characters in shows and movies growing up, and now I’m the one coming of age. 

I guess I should be excited; one more year till I can legally get drunk instead of going to shitty clubs in Hempstead that feel like a High School reunion every time I walk in.

20 is supposed to feel like a milestone but for me, it feels like a reminder of how fast time is flying by. I can’t keep eating like a child anymore or else I won’t make it to 40. Right now, I eat like a gremlin. My diet consists of pop tarts, candy, and cookies. On occassion I’ll eat real food but that’s rare. I have the body of a twink but that won’t last forever, so I should probably start going to the gym before my metabolism slows down and I end up with a build like Danny Devito. 

i'm not going to stop being myself just to please somebody for a couple of minutes, they have a few moments with my presence, I have an entire lifespan with this vessel.

journal 003:

Dear Public Diary,

Whenever I’m at school and having a staring contest with the ground, I wonder if I’m wasting time here. There’s this one thought in the back of my mind going: “This isn’t for you. You’re here doing jack shit, just getting by, wasting your mother’s money and putting her into deeper debt than she already is.”

I feel like an autumn leaf that’s swept up in the air due to high speed winds pushing me up into the sky. In a non-pretentious manner–I feel fucking alone. I'm usually content with this feeling but when I’m at school I see everybody with people. Everybody is talking to somebody. Everyone has a friend. What do I have? A box of pop tarts that I bring with me everyday?

journal 004:

Dear Public Diary,

Today is October 12th. I walked out of the middle of my Linguistics class and ran to the bathroom, because I had to cry. I sat there in the stall thinking about how miserable I am here. At college. I’m not sure what I’m doing here. Every time I come to this campus I get this feeling in my stomach. This empty feeling hits me like a rock. I am alone. Totally and utterly alone. It’s okay though. There’s bad and good periods in life. Near the end of my crying breakdown, somebody walked in. They thought it was empty, so they came in and farted up a storm. He passed gas so many times that I thought he sharted himself. He kept groaning too. This made me belt out into a silent laugh, and put a smile on my face. At that moment I believed God was real and that he was essentially telling me to stop being a bitch.