January 5th - 1:58 AM
I wish I could talk more; like the way I want to. I’m not sure why I can’t, I guess the words always get lodged in my throat, and never make their way up past my tongue. It’s as if a sentence crawls all the way up toward the end of the tunnel that is my mouth, sees the outside view, and crawls back down, out of pure terror.
January 15th - 9:49 PM
I have a love/hate relationship with the internet. On one hand, I’m grateful that the internet has introduced me to the people in the world that understand me the most, like Gavin & GK, but on the other hand, I hate the idea of anything I make being perceived. It is the same irrational fear I have of being in public and being in a social setting. I hate looking at comments; this is why I subscribed to the philosophy of neglecting all social media notifications for 9 months straight. I am going back to that.
January 19th - 1:45 PM
For far too long I have lived in the future and the past; my mind constantly shifting between the two periods, with it always obsessed with what has occurred in my past, and what is about to occur. For once, I’d like to live in the present, and try my best not to think too much.
January 23 - 11:15 PM
I have a final essay due at midnight, but I am neglecting it. I will turn something in, that is for certain. A lot is on my mind; I’ve sort of just been staring at Spotify and listening to my daily playlist “regularisperfect” on loop. It has over 600 songs and a photo of GK & O are the cover to the diary list of songs. I can’t believe the album we’ve all been working towards is about to come out at midnight. I always dreamt of it but never thought I’d ever be able to help out on an album before. It’s been a beautiful 7 months; I’m very grateful to be able to finally work with someone who is like-minded and actually believes in me. I can’t believe so much has changed; looking at old photos GK sends and all the old work that is now a year old, feels like eons ago.
Everything is changing rapidly and for once, I don’t want time to stop. 2022 and 2023 sucked pretty hard, but two important things happened those years: in 2022 GK & I made our first video together, and in 2023, for some reason O let me make a video for him when I didn’t have any work out other than various personal diary collage like videos. Everyday I’m thankful that I get to work with my friends…art, the only thing that matters in this world.
