regularisperfect because in the end, we’ll all end up 6 feet deep in the ground, so might as well be yourself while you’re here.

//

journal 001:

Dear Public Diary

As I write this, I’m in the backseat of my best friend's Volvo. We got in a car accident and have been sitting on the side of the Bronx expressway for 3 hours. The car battery just died; we’re going to be here for a while. I’m listening to Kaytranayda to try and pass the time but my mind keeps racing. As my neck burns from the collision, I’m starting to realize some things:

I’ve been in a bit of a slumber. A depressed state I guess. It’s been going on for 5 weeks now. My grandma keeps asking why I can’t eat how I used to, and why I’ve been starving myself like Cassie from Skins. I guess I have one person on my mind a lot, and I keep wondering what went wrong. I now realize that there are some things you can’t control, and that all I can do is smile that for once, I met someone I got along with.

I complain that I have no friends at school, but it’s my fault. I’m not in any clubs,  I don’t talk to people after class, I just sulk and stare at the ground w/ earbuds in.

I should try more in college. Be more present. My moms going into all this debt, and she wants me to finish, so why not? I can start my career and do school. It’s a lot but I wouldn’t be put in this position if I couldn’t handle it. Pressure comes with growing up, time to be an adult.

This morning, before I spent my night on a highway, my Grandma asked: “What do you identify as? I guess this is because I’m growing my hair out and dress like a SoHo kid who browses Grailed 24/7. I replied, “I don’t know. Finding myself like any other 19 year old on this planet.”

//

journal 002:


Dear Public Diary,


As this semester comes to a close, I realize I’m about to turn 20 in three months. That number is horrifying--twenty. What is life coming to? I’m entering a new chapter in my life, a new decade, and I still feel like a toddler.

In times like this I miss the days I used to binge watch Skins in bed everyday when I was 14. I didn’t have to worry about anything. Now all I do is worry. I idolized all these characters in shows and movies growing up, and now I’m the one coming of age. 

I guess I should be excited; one more year till I can legally get drunk instead of going to shitty clubs in Hempstead that feel like a High School reunion every time I walk in.

20 is supposed to feel like a milestone but for me, it feels like a reminder of how fast time is flying by. I can’t keep eating like a child anymore or else I won’t make it to 40. Right now, I eat like a gremlin. My diet consists of pop tarts, candy, and cookies. On occassion I’ll eat real food but that’s rare. I have the body of a twink but that won’t last forever, so I should probably start going to the gym before my metabolism slows down and I end up with a build like Danny Devito. 
i'm not going to stop being myself just to please somebody for a couple of minutes, they have a few moments with my presence, I have an entire lifespan with this vessel.

//

journal 003:


Dear Public Diary,

Whenever I’m at school and having a staring contest with the ground, I wonder if I’m wasting time here. There’s this one thought in the back of my mind going: “This isn’t for you. You’re here doing jack shit, just getting by, wasting your mother’s money and putting her into deeper debt than she already is.”


I feel like an autumn leaf that’s swept up in the air due to high speed winds pushing me up into the sky. In a non-pretentious manner–I feel fucking alone. I'm usually content with this feeling but when I’m at school I see everybody with people. Everybody is talking to somebody. Everyone has a friend. What do I have? A box of pop tarts that I bring with me everyday?

journal 004:

Dear Public Diary,

Today is October 12th. I walked out of the middle of my Linguistics class and ran to the bathroom, because I had to cry. I sat there in the stall thinking about how miserable I am here. At college. I’m not sure what I’m doing here. Every time I come to this campus I get this feeling in my stomach. This empty feeling hits me like a rock. I am alone. Totally and utterly alone. It’s okay though. There’s bad and good periods in life. Near the end of my crying breakdown, somebody walked in. They thought it was empty, so they came in and farted up a storm. He passed gas so many times that I thought he sharted himself. He kept groaning too. This made me belt out into a silent laugh, and put a smile on my face. At that moment I believed God was real and that he was essentially telling me to stop being a bitch.

english paper excerpt:

I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It

“That decision landed me on that log of wood, with the sunsetting, and my Vans shuffling around in the sand, quivering out of pure terror. She ended up saying, “I’m never good with first moves.” This had my head spinning. I retorted with, “Me neither. I’ve never...never done anything.” She was shocked. “Never? Like, never kissed anybody? Not even hold hands with someone?” I felt embarrassed. I’m brown skin and I’m pretty sure I’ve never felt my cheeks turn that red before. She ended up being super sweet and gentle, smoothly leaning in and asking, “Well, do you want to kiss me right now?” I, of course, said yes, in an extremely nervous tone. She smiled, our lips collidied, and my childhood fantasy finally came true--I had my first kiss. I never felt so infinite in my life. I never felt so free. I never felt so happy. The little kid in my heart jumped for joy. For once, I felt connected with somebody. For once, I didn’t feel alone. For once, I wasn’t afraid that my life would turn into my Father and Mother’s horrific relationship--cold, distant, and severely lacking in the affection department. I can confidently say, I’ve never seen my Mom and Dad kiss on the lips. My dad would always fringe up when my Mom would ask for a kiss...”



regularisperfect 2022