regularisperfect script excerpt #003:
Last semester, I was sitting in my philosophy class and my teacher was talking about the meaning of life. It was the last subject in the course, as finals were approaching, so I was pretty absent minded and was on the verge of jumping into daydream land (I was off 2 hours of sleep, I vividly remember having to drive to school and feeling like I could veer off on the side of the Southern State Parkway at any given moment). She was talking about a philosopher whose name I have no recollection of (I didn’t read the chapter), and had said that one of his views was that the main goal in life is to be genuine.
Instantly, that struck a chord with me. It’s like I awakened from my vampire daze and started paying attention. She had used the example of a college student to prove the philosophers perspective, saying that: if you’re in college because you genuinely want to be here, and you want to learn for 4 years before life starts, then you’re living an authentic life. If you’re in college because it’s made out to be the thing to do, or your parents want you to, or because all your friends are, then you’re living an inauthentic life.
Dear Public Diary,
The only reason I became an A&R was because all throughout High School I was depressed and sat on the internet all day. Because of this I did nothing but do write ups on new music for a blog called FreshFruitOnly, post obnoxiously on KanyeToThe and post new music on Youtube under a channel called nappyhead. Now I’m here, and am so unbelievably frightened. I have this huge oppurtunity and I have to perform. I have to sign big things. Things that make money. I’m just a kid who’s chronically online, have half a brain, and only speaks when he has something to say. I guess that’s worth something. I wonder where I’ll be by the time college is over.
Dear Public Diary,
What is this feeling? This crippling loneliness that occupies my chest every time I step foot on this campus. I don’t know. I haven’t felt it since High School. Freshman year didn’t feel this bad. I suppose you could call it the Sophomore blues. Because lately, things have not been particularly clear in my head. Rather cloudy. I don’t sleep that much anymore, for some reason I wake up pretty early at around 4 or 5 and just think. I usually stare at things while listening to music. Usually it’s the ground, or it’s my computer screen. While I’m doing this my head is elsewhere, thinking of so many thoughts at once it’s insufferable. I want to make another video again but I second guess myself too much to get up and do it. I want to enjoy college but for some reason the past 3 times I’ve been on campus I've belted out crying. Like full on you look in the mirror and your eyes are bloodshot red as if you’re high off 3 joints in a hotbox type level crying.
That is okay though, I know the world doesn’t revolve around me. Everybody cries. I’m not going to jump off a bridge and hold up traffic for everybody. That’d be selfish. Sometimes I just wish that it had a pause button. So for once, I could breathe and relax. And think clearly. But it doesn’t. That’s not reality.
I can’t really speak to anyone, even if I try, they all leave or I don’t want to bother them. I’ve lost my appetite–the other day I didn’t even eat anything for 30 hours straight. I don’t know where this habit came from, I think it stems from a sort of self-punishment. If something goes wrong in my life, then I must stop eating how I usually do, and fast as if it’s ramadan.
I took a midterm the other day, and just stared at it. Like full on blanked. My mind on the subject of Astronomy was absent, I had no desire to even attempt to focus. This was probably because I was thinking of scoffing down the Maple Syrup flavored pop tarts I had in my bag, because as usual, I didn’t eat lunch during my 12 hour school day, because I have nobody to eat lunch with and I’m sick of eating alone. I know that sounds stupid, but I’d rather eat nothing than spend another minute eating in my car, or nibbling on peanut butter crackers in the student lounge.
I’ve been filling out transfer applications but am second guessing myself because–what if I’m just miserable here because I never tried? I haven’t particularly tried to make friends–I just go to class, sulk and have a staring contest with the ground, and go home. That’s not trying. That’s just getting by.